Anonymity?

No more.

Dear Friends,

For a few years, Miami Beach became our go-to spot for the Christmas and New Year holidays. It’s where we were when we won the bidding war for our new home. It’s where our latest furry addition, Sir Winston, came to us from. And it’s where the seed of sharing my writing publicly was first planted in my mind.

The cocoon of Miami heat, with its thin veil of winter humidity and rhythmic sound of the ocean waves, is what drew me to our terrace each morning. I would sip my decaf Americano and catch up on emails. The turquoise blue of the Atlantic, stretching miles toward the horizon, lulled me into a contemplative state.

Privacy. Privacy to dream forward and reflect back. To just be.

It is in this place, and in this state of openness, that I read an email from

Hamish McKenzie

, co-founder of Substack, about an online space for writers to create and connect. A place to share and to build community.

A week later, back home from our New Years trip to Miami, my son, husband, and I watched the Baz Luhrmann movie, Elvis, starring Austin Butler and Tom Hanks. Elvis’ personal story is not one I was familiar with. His music, fame, early death, yes. But not the story behind how and why his life and death unfolded as it did. It left me feeling such an ache. An ache I was already feeling from the loss of my good friend, Lori, a few months prior.

Her death hit me hard for many reasons, especially that she was being forced by cancer to leave her two young-ish sons. I couldn’t shake the sorrow of her adolescent boys not having her love, protection, and guidance as they made their way through life. I couldn’t help but put myself in her place. Just a slight of life’s chance.

These aches for beloved lives cut short, and those left behind in their absence, compelled me to pen a letter to my children. In that moment. For writing is always what I do when life hits me hard. A letter that I intended to be the first of many, just in case. A letter that became my first published piece here.

But this was the rub…

Sitting at my desk, about to hit publish into the digital landscape, what do I write for the byline?

I purposefully have had zero online presence. None. I am not, nor ever have been on social media. I do not believe the good outweighs the bad. I believe that so much of the ills of our current culture have been magnified by the imbalance of time spent performatively online and the importance people place on consuming digital inputs versus living and connecting in real life. I believe — and the science reflects this — that social media drives divisiveness, disconnection, cruelty, the epidemic of loneliness, and duplicitousness (fake news, phoniness, and even fake likenesses in the way of deepfakes). Not to mention, it is a total time suck.

Yet that night, in the wake of my dear friend passing, after watching the depiction of the life of a talented young musician unravel, and following the visceral need to memorialize an enduring message to my children, my online presence was born. Albeit, with a pseudonym.

Over time, however, this space has evolved beyond only encompassing life missives for my children. My intention has grown to also help forge a bit of space in your week to pause and reflect on what truly matters most to you in your life. To both widen your perspective, while focusing it, too, by providing insights into what science and experts have found to help us flourish in our lives and relationships.

In light of yours and my relationship deepening, at least for me, using a pseudonym now feels like an inauthentic barrier.

I’ve struggled with this dynamic tension before, having for a brief time used my real name and then retreating back to the comfort of anonymity.

Brian Johnson, philosopher and founder of Heroic shares this…

“Let’s say you’ve decided to embark on a heroic quest. It’s time for you to leave the normal, routine life and really go for it - stretching yourself to dare greatly and do what you’re here to do. (GOOD DECISION!!!) Now, every good hero’s journey has some pretty epic dragon-battle scenes … When you encounter the inevitable dragons on that adventure of yours, know this: Those intense feelings of ‘OMG!!! What have I done to my life?!’ and that desire to run away from it all and run right back to the comfort of your old life are NORMAL!!”

Phil Stutz, brilliant psychotherapist and author of The Tools, builds on this wisdom by pointing out that those moments of terror are what he calls “reverse indicators.” Reverse indicators are signs that we are right where we need to be to grow: outside of our comfort zone, which by definition, is uncomfortable.

Using my real name perhaps most certainly is a step in my own growth. A step towards more vulnerability, ownership, and even self-acceptance.

With love and trust, your friend,

Francesca Fartaj