Choosing Joy

What is the gift and the gratitude?

Dear Friends,

Hello and happy holidays!

I have found that as I get older, time seems to move faster. Obviously that’s not true. Time is not passing quicker.

A second, minute and hour tick by at the same pace today as when I was a schoolgirl. However, this prism of mine illustrates how our perspective can shape our reality. The speed at which time seems to fly by, is a referendum for me to address: I am stretched too thin, too busy. It is the canary in the coal mine. Time to pare back, create more boundaries around my time so I can simplify and “slow down” the passing of time. I want to enjoy more, by doing less.

All this to say, “Wow, December is here, with only three weeks left of 2023!” Bodhi Day, Hanukkah, Christmas, Zarathosht Diso, Kwanza, and New Year’s Eve are just a few of the special occasions being celebrated between now and the end of the year.

In whatever ways you spend this time, I hope you find respite, wonder, peace snd joy.

I know for many of us the holidays are a time of festivities, while for others it can be a time of difficult emotions, even isolation. There have been holidays for myself that were very hard due to family estrangement.

I wish to tell you what I wish I was told then. Simply, “You are love and you are loved. You are valued. Don’t ever question or forget it.”

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I’ve been thinking about joy a lot. Plus choice.

My children are in a groove of being adversaries. It’s a well worn track as of late. I understand the inherent nature of this dynamic between siblings. It is natural and even serves a productive purpose as they learn what works and what does not in navigating and maintaining strong, healthy and happy relationships.

While the dynamic has not yet crossed over the threshold from being within the range of normal to being dysfunctional, it definitely has entered the zone of “disruptive” to the harmony of our household. The constant bickering and trite infractions against one another, plus the lack of personal generosity between them, has currently soured the energy in our home.

Exasperated I say to them, “We all have so many demands upon us and respective responsibilities. Can we please have some relief in our home? Can this be a warm, kind haven please? Even more so, can we claim joy? God willing, let’s please claim joy!”

I remind them, “Our lives are not perfect. No one’s is. Yet all things considered, they are pretty great. We are healthy. We live in safety. We are free people. Our needs are met generously. We are loved deeply. It’s the holidays. And we have a choice. Let’s choose joy!”

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Choice. In life, we always have a choice. We have a choice about how we choose to look at a situation and how we choose to act in the face of any given situation.

When we make a less than ideal choice in which we are not being the best version of ourselves that we are indeed capable of being, we end up experiencing unhappiness and dissonance. Undoubtably, we feel a twinge, perhaps a little bad, maybe even shame, disappointment or guilt, depending on the transgression.

When we show up as the best version of ourselves, on the other hand, living aligned with who we are capable of being, then we experience a deep sense of joy, happiness, and flourishing — what the ancient Greek and Stoic philosophers called eudaemonia.

If we truly desire a life of genuine and lasting happiness and joy, then we need to be our best self. The ancient philosophers called this way of living, arete, a Greek word translated in English to mean virtue or excellence. More deeply, arete means expressing the best version of ourselves, moment, to moment, to moment.

“I will not delude you with promises of future pleasure: I shall give you a true account of the facts exactly as the gods have ordained them. Nothing that is really good and admirable is granted by the gods to men without some effort and application.” ~ The goddess Arete.

Living with arete results in a life of eudaemonia.

That is to say, closing the gap between who we are capable of being and who we actually are being results in us experiencing deep joy and happiness. We genuinely flourish.

And yes, it is a practice, precisely because it takes conscious and repeated effort. But it is a worthwhile practice to close the gap. One that I remind myself and my children of often, especially during this bout of sibling discord.

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There is a reframe I have used for many years as a perspective shifter for myself.

“This moment is the first moment of the rest of my life.”

This simple statement immediately shifts my outlook. It fills me with hope and possibility. It provides me with the exact fresh slate and clean canvas I need to do, be, build, and accomplish whatever I want. To let go of what is no longer serving me. This statement is the quintessential reminder that, “yesterday doesn’t matter. What happened in the moment just prior, doesn’t matter. This moment and the next is all that matters. What am I going to do with it?”

This year, I learned another powerful reframe that has become an instrumental tool in shifting my perspective and bringing me into alignment.

“What is the gift and the gratitude?”

I absolutely love this prompt. To me it immediately incites the feeling of an exciting proposition. No matter how challenging or difficult the situation may feel, in fact, it actually is a gift accompanied by treasures to be grateful for.

Research further supports the power of finding the gift and the gratitude, telling us that simply by practicing gratitude, we can positively change our outlook and mood. For example, dropping down into our heart and identifying 10 things we are grateful for in any given moment, has the profound power to completely and positively shift how we are feeling. From there we are in a better frame of mind to be the best version of ourself, thereby closing the gap, and being in a state of happiness.

Looking for the gift, and there always is one, and the gratitude in whatever situation we are facing is a choice. It is a choice to find joy. To claim joy.

Both of these reframes help me in my practice of closing the gap and flourishing. To not get sucked down into a non productive spiral but instead to help me level up by being grateful for the gift I am getting out of an experience and then taking action to further align with who I am capable to be.

“Adolescents who are more grateful are also more interested and satisfied with their school lives, are more kind and helpful and are more socially integrated.” ~ Greater Good Science Center at U.C. Berkeley

And so I teach my children these paradigm shifts in this time of difficulty between the two.

I ask them to consider “What is the gift and the gratitude in their relationship, in having each other as a sibling?”

In the heat of them having an episode of disharmony, I ask them “What is the gift and the gratitude right now in this situation?”

And then I remind them, “This moment is the first moment of the rest of your lives. What are you going to choose to do with it? Are you going to choose joy? Or let it slip away? You have only one brother. One sister.”

Cheers to my children, and to all of us, finding the gift and the gratitude in every situation we find ourselves this holiday season and always.

Until next time, xoxo, WRW