Drop By Drop

How our words leave an imprint upon our children.

Dear Friends,

What I know for sure is that as parents, our words leave a penetrating imprint on how our children see themselves.

As a drop of water fills a bucket, one drop at a time, so do our words, one message at a time, accumulate, filling up our children.

What are we filling them up to believe about themselves?

Who they are in our eyes — the eyes of their parents who are their most important point of reference as a child — are our children’s first reflection back to themselves of who they are in this world.

Our children infer from what we say if they are good, capable, valued, safe, trusted, worthy, important, believed in, and unconditionally loved.

If we don’t take care to ensure that our messages are much more positive in the balance than not, then our children more than likely will come to believe they are not enough. Not good enough, smart enough, capable enough. Not worthy enough, strong enough, pretty enough, important enough. Not enough to be unconditionally loved for who they are.

Our words, in the balance, need to mirror to our children the positive, yummy, beautiful souls that they are. For these early messages, for better and for worse, are the foundation upon which our children build much of their internal self worth.

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I pause. I reflect. And I assess. What have I, and am I communicating to my beloved children? Have I reflected back to them, instilling in their hearts and minds, that they are more than good enough, more than worthy enough? That they are whole and unconditionally loved by me as only a parent can love their child?

Over the years inestimable numbers of words and messages. Countless corrections, conversations, and lectures in the daily grind of trying to teach them, to do right by them. Innumerable expressions of love, support, and adoration.

In trying times of frustration and exasperation, of exhaustion and defeat, of fear of what will be instead of faith, have I had the presence of mind to soften instead of lash out with a sharp, cutting tongue? Have I remembered the long game, staying steady and impeccable with my words, instead of loosing my cool and speaking harshly, shaming, and even condemning?

What does the ledger read? Are my children and I enough in the black? Have I built them up more than I have inadvertently torn them down?

This is the crux. The rub. In the balance, I believe yes. I hope yes. Yet, definitely not always, I so regret.

And so Donald Winnicott’s “the good-enough mother” loosely comes to mind. And Kristin Neff’s wisdom on self compassion. And Brene Brown’s vulnerability and shame reframe. And Dan Siegel’s rupture and repair insight.

So the work, my work, our work as parents who are human, continues. Also drop by drop.

For more than anything, my children, all of our children, need and deserve parents who understand that our words profoundly influence how our children view and feel about themselves long past when the words leave our lips and our children leave the nest. And with the stakes being high, may we become more mindful to reflect back to our children their innate goodness and our unconditional love for them especially when we face the bumps in the road of daily life while we all grow up together — us parents and our children.

With love,

WRW