From Wanting To Having

Embracing the reverse indicator of growth.

Dear Circle,

Truth be told, I had been feeling a bit anxious recently, fearful even. Holding my breath, just in case a shoe dropped. A certain something in my life feeling a bit too good to be true.

Then I remembered some great wisdom from Phil Stutz, leading psychiatrist and bestselling author of The Tools, Coming Alive and most recently, Lessons For Living.

He says these feelings of fear, even terror, are not an omen foreshadowing something ominous, but rather an indication that something is right — a “reverse indicator.”

We all feel uncomfortable when we are being pushed to grow, to stretch, but this fear of “Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into,” is a sign that we are exactly where we need to be in order to grow.

Applying Phil’s brilliance would mean that I was uncomfortable because I was outside of my comfort zone. I would be best served to resist retreating back to what feels safe, instead recognise my fear as a “reverse indicator” that I’m in a state of growth, and move forward with faith and courage.

So what growth or expansion was being asked of me that had me feeling uncomfortable, even scared?

I had shifted from wanting to having.

Huh?

Let me back up.

My husband and I purchased our current residence three years before our children were born, when it was just the two of us. And although our home is bigger than what either of us grew up in, I felt as though we had outgrown the size of our house as it pertains to the way in which I want to raise our children.

I want a home where my son and daughter (13 and 8 years old, respectively) can comfortably have all of their friends over at any given time. I want our house to be Grand Central Station for my children and their squad. I want to maintain a close connection with my children and their friends as they grow. And I believe having our home be a place to spend time with their friends doing things they all really enjoy such as swimming, eating, and playing basketball, ping pong, and foosball will help keep us as a family more connected during the adolescent years of expansion and individuation. For these reasons and others, I have been wanting to move into a larger home. This has been a dream of mine for the past several years.

I have been dreaming and I have been wanting. And as of a handful of weeks ago this January, I am no longer wanting this. Because I now have this! My dream of buying a larger home has come to fruition. I have shifted from a familiar and comfortable feeling of wanting to the unfamiliar feeling of having the much larger home for the gang of kids to hang.

It sounds silly and definitely counter intuition, aka a “reverse indicator,” to feel uncomfortable to finally get what I have been wanting. Yet, this new paradigm does in fact require growth as I adjust into the expansion of having. And growth by nature of being new does stretch us.

I also remember from my work with Julie-Anne, that the antidote to angst and fear is faith and the shift to faith can be broken down into three steps.

First, recognize what we are anxious about so that we can “name it to tame it,” per Dan Siegel’s great research.

Second, understand that our discomfort is not a sign that something is wrong, but rather a “reverse indicator” that we are in a state of growth. Thank you Phil.

Third, per Julie-Anne’s wisdom, move into the feeling of gratitude by listing all of our blessings. In my case, focusing on the million little and big things that I love about our new home and my dream coming true.

Breathe and smile.

Voila. I feel better and are aligned with having. Now you try it whenever you feel scared or find yourself outside of your comfort zone.

With love, xoxo, WRW

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