If I Ruled The World
Consent in a world of sexual assault: Part Three in Your Road Map For Life
Welcome to this week’s micro edition of my Little Black Book…hot off the press, favorite finds plus tried and true, time tested treasures.
Continuing on our interior design journey, we are in search of a special lighting piece for the entrance of our new home. I have recently become an admirer of Lindsey Adelman who creates “bespoke lighting fixtures of uncommon beauty.” Her work is not only brilliant and beautiful but her team is wonderfully collaborative, gracious, and a joy to work with. How do you all feel about her Drop System Chandelier shown above for my foyer? Please let me know in the comments below.
I came across Esmie notebooks at Liberty of London when I was in the UK last year. The white crane journal above is hand-bound in the South of England in a silk-screen printed design, hand-picked from an archive in Kyoto Japan, and finished with a coordinating coloured cloth spine. It feels like a luxurious treat to write in this each day.
Camp Southwoods in the Adirondacks seems to be the quintessential summer sleep away camp depicted in our imagination. A 100% tech free camp complete with lake swimming, ropes courses, smores, talent shows, water skiing, and archery. “But what happens while they’re having fun is more important. In every choice we make and everything we do, we’re crafting an environment where campers build confidence, embrace challenge, and celebrate each other for their authentic selves.” I’ll tell you more after my children spend a few weeks here this summer.
Dear Friends,
If I Ruled The World
If I ruled the world, everybody and every body would feel safe, having never to even fathom, let alone experience, being sexually assaulted.
If I ruled the world, no matter our age, gender, or identity, no matter what country or culture we live within, nor our economic resources, we and our body would be seen, understood, and respected for the sacred and autonomous vessel that it is, never to be transgressed upon.
If I ruled the world, every little girl would profoundly understand and embody the fundamental truth that her personal value is not predicated, nor tied to exchanging her body in order to receive love, attention, validation, acceptance or self worth.
If I ruled the world, boys would be surrounded and raised by men who, despite and in light of their generally physically stronger physique, epitomize and consciously model gentleness, respect, and reverence for all people, especially those often more vulnerable such as girls, boys, and women.
If I ruled the world, we would never again need to worry or fear that our children, could be, might be, sexually harmed by a person whom we have been led to trust such as a family member, teacher, coach, camp counselor, or neighbor.
The Data: Adolescent Sexual Assault
In the Journal of Adolescent Health, the article Lifetime Prevalence of Child Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault Assessed in Late Adolescence presented that by the age of 17, an estimate of 26.6% for females and 5.1% for males or approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 20 boys have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault. Over half of the total estimate of offences included in that larger total estimate (1 in 4 girls and 1 in 20 boys) was at the hands of peers or peer acquaintances, also referred as juvenile perpetrators.
Additional meta data on violence of youth between the ages of 10 to 17, conducted between 2008 and 2014, also show that a considerable number of girls and boys report being sexually assaulted by a peer. Specifically, according to David Finkelhor, Director of Crimes Against Children Research Center, 18% of girls and 3% of boys say that by age 17 they have been victims of a sexual assault or abuse at the hands of another adolescent.
Finkelhor writes that,
“Experts on sexual assault agree that education for young people is one of the most important ways to diminish the incidence of sexual assault: Among the tools educators use are lessons about consent, good decision-making, refusal skills and the empowerment of bystanders to intervene.”
Many moons ago, I attended a talk on consent and the following is the gold standard criteria of consent that the talk was based upon. April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I would like to highlight this information here and now.
The OMEGAS of Consent
The gold standard for consent requires that it be Ongoing and Mutually desired between Enthusiastic and informed partners and that it be Given freely at an Acceptable (legal) age by partners who are of Sober body and sound mind.
O — ONGOING
It is critical to understand that consent can be withdrawn at any time and that that withdrawal must be respected and honored. It is also important to understand that consent for one level of activity does not inherently translate into consent for another. In other words, an agreement to kiss does not equate into an agreement to have sex.
M — MUTUALLY DESIRED
It is not enough for one partner to want physical contact with another: Both partners must desire the specific nature of the contact. The only way to know this for sure is to ASK. Body language is NOT reliable!
E — ENTHUSIASTIC, INFORMED PARTNERS
Physical contact — everything from holding hands to kissing to having sex can be great fun and a positive part of a relationship IF both partners are enthusiastic and informed about any risks. This requires a willingness to talk about it. If you’re not ready to talk about it, you’re not ready for the contact.
G — GIVEN FREELY
Coercing a partner into having physical contact by either words or actions constitutes criminal behavior. Consent given only because “everyone is doing it” or you manage to convince a partner that they’d do it “if they really loved you” is not freely given. If one partner is not ready or not willing on that occasion, consent has not been freely given.
A — ACCEPTABLE AGE
In order for consent to be valid, it must be given by someone who is old enough to give it. This will vary by State. For the laws of your state please visit www.Rainn.org.
S — SOBER BODY & SOUND MIND
Alcohol and drugs as well as mental health challenges can impair a person’s ability to provide meaningful legal consent. In order to avoid legal issues, misunderstandings, or harm, it is imperative that both parties are sober and sound prior to engaging in physical contact.
And for a little “consent” analogy, please join me for a cup of tea…that is, if you would like to.
The Data: Adolescent Sexual Harassment
Sexual harassment has also long been an unfortunate part of the climate in middle and high schools in the United States.
Based on Crossing the Line: Sexual Harassment at School, a nationally representative survey of 1,965 students in grades 7-12, nearly half, 48%, of the students surveyed experienced some form of sexual harassment in the school year, and the majority of those students, 87%, said it had a negative effect on them, with girls more likely than boys to say that they had been negatively effected. This finding confirms previous research by the American Association of University Women.
Verbal harassment, constituted as unwelcome sexual comments, jokes, or gestures, made up the bulk of the incidents in this study, but physical harassment was very common, too. Nearly all the behavior documented in the survey was peer-to-peer sexual harassment.
Many of the students, 44%, who admitted to sexually harassing others didn't think of it as a big deal and many, 39%, were trying to be funny.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, about sexual assault or sexual harassment is funny. Based upon statistics, too many of you reading this essay right now have been sexually assaulted and/or sexually harassed.
I have been both.
This is not someone else’s problem. It is not a female problem. It is a human problem. It is all of our problem. And as adults, many of us being parents, we have a powerful role in catalysing a solution.
Do — Talk to our children regularly about the OMEGAS of consent. I literally have had it posted for the last several years next to our family values in our kitchen. My children are reminded of the importance, necessity, and criteria of consent almost daily.
Let’s raise feminists and let’s teach refusal and upstander skills to our children. As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie wrote,
“The best feminist I know is my brother Kene, who is also a kind, good-looking and very masculine young man. My own definition of a feminist is a man or woman who says, ‘Yes, there is a problem with gender as it is today and we must fix it, we must do better.’ All of us, women and men, must do better.”
Let’s learn more about the topic so that we can be teachers and leaders in our family and in our circle. Perhaps start with the Joyful Heart Foundation’s quiz, How Much Do You Know About Consent?
Don’t — Let the toxic masculinity portrayed on screen or by influencers, such as Andrew Tate, be the example that molds our children’s norms and views of acceptable behavior and expectations.
With love and support, xoxo,
First of all, I am sorry that you had to endure the assault. I am glad that you are teaching your children what is and isn’t acceptable? what is a shame that this is where we are. You would be even more BA if you ruled the world!
YES on the chandelier!!!
I wish you ruled the world.