Just Say No

Dear M and B,

I pray neither of you will ever do drugs. And as I write that I am flooded with insecurities. How crazy of an expectation is that?

I remember the arguments I heard growing up; pushing for abstinence versus teaching the practice of safe sex. Abstinence proponents argued, abstain from having sex until you are married or at least an adult. “Just don’t do it!”

Advocates for teaching safe sex, on the other hand, argued that youth will have sex. Therefore, it is better to teach safe sex practices to youth so that they will protect themselves and their partner from sexually transmitted disease and teen pregnancy when they do have sex.

Which brings me back to my initial hope - for you to never risk the slippery slope that doing drugs can take your life down - and the question of if this parental value is tenable and helpful or will it alienate you and perhaps end up hurting you even more?

Am I naive, or even just plain stupid, to try to teach you to abstain from drugs?

“Just say no!” as Nancy Raegan campaigned to my generation.

“Just say no,” as Michael Jackson’s cartoon image sang to the music of his song Beat It on The Flintstone Kids Just Say No Special of 1988.

“Just say no to drugs,” as even the Los Angeles Lakers basketball team rapped!

Or, the most famous Public Service Announcement of my generation which was seared into my consciousness…“This is Your Brain on Drugs”.

Or this one…

Or am I to tell you that if you want to try a drug, please come to me and I will provide you with that drug in a pure form, in a safe setting. That is to say, if I believe you are going to experiment with drugs regardless, should I encourage you to hedge the danger by allowing me to provide it to you, ensuring that the drug is not cut with fentanyl, for example, and have you partake in our home while I am present?

Quite honestly, I cringe even writing that. The notion of enabling you to use drugs floods me with cognitive dissonance. I am asking myself, is the idea of abstinence from drugs, apples to apples with abstinence from sex before marriage? I don’t think so. Why? Because safe sex practices can be taught and are effective; when properly used the dangers associated are quite limited. While using drugs - even one time - can kill you - not to mention the dangers associated with regular use.

Full transparency, as you know, there is nothing I like about drugs. Period. Full stop. I have understood the dangers they pose since I can remember. Nancy Reagan’s campaign was highly effective in my case. I have also seen up close the devastation they cause while helping a loved one get clean, as well as while witnessing countless homeless souls strung out on our city streets. In my opinion, there is zero upside to drug use.

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What are the most common reasons for using drugs that you may encounter as you embark on your teen years? To have fun, to experiment, for the excitement, for the escape, which is all to say to feel good in your body.

Dear ones, the loves of my life, I invite you to do this instead:

• Live with integrity so that you don’t desire to numb, run or escape. Be honest in your words and your actions. Be kind. “When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad.” - Abraham Lincoln

• Be brave, living from faith, not fear. And use that bravery to pursue what is important to you. Deep happiness comes from fulfilling your unique purpose in this life. Don’t let fear talk you out of it. Go for it! Be brave.

• Do your best. Give it your all. Be gritty. Don’t expect it to be easy. Remember it will be hard and you can do hard things. And have fun. The journey, not the destination, is the real point, so go for it.

• Live by your moral compass. You are a leader, not a follower. Your values and your intuition are your guide.

• Sweat every day - the harder the better. Play!

• Pick your friends carefully. You are the average of the six people you spend the most time around. Surround yourself with people who share your values, who lift you up (not put you down), who will be honest with you, who are spending their time in healthy and worthwhile ways.

• Go to sleep early and wake early. Your day starts the night before. Sleep is your foundation to good judgement, good nutrition, good energy, to clear thinking and a strong body.

• Ask for help. My super power has always been to know when to ask for help and from whom to ask for that help. I have learned and grown so much by seeking out those who knew more than me when I needed that extra help - personally and professionally.

• Connect in person or via FaceTime daily with Baba, each other, a good friend or with me; someone who really knows you. Make sure you can see their face and let them see your face. The other pillar of true happiness is to connect with people, especially those you love. Texting, social media, voicemail, et al does not count.

• Cultivate the daily practice of meditating and gratitude journaling. I can’t stress enough how these two practices are life changing!!!

• Have a good therapist that you can work with when needed and call when things come up. We all need this type of professional in our life at different times. Their wisdom and support is worth every penny. My first therapist re-raised me and my second therapist helped Baba and I get through the hardest part of our marriage thus far. I am a significantly better human, mother and wife thanks to those two people.

• Have a hobby. Find a passion that you love spending time doing that brings you relaxation, calm and hopefully allows you to enter a state of flow. Perhaps it’s running, surfing, climbing or sailing. Maybe it’s playing music, writing, drawing or reading. Whatever it is, make consistent time to engage in it. This form of self care will bring you important balance.

• Let out your feelings. Never stuff them down. Share them, however, with someone you can truly trust who will not shame you, judge you or share your feelings with others. For example, this could be Baba, each other, your therapist, best friend and of course me. I am always here for you! It is my honor.

• Lastly, be your authentic self. There is only one M and one B. You are unique and special just as you are. Release your light. Shine bright as only you can!

I love you!

You are love and you are loved!

Love yourself!

If you do that, I think you will see that there will never be a place for drug use in your life. That is my prayer for you.

Your biggest fan, always and forever,

Maman

P.S. Please know that alcohol abuse and smoking of cigarettes (including electronic cigarettes) are also extremely unhealthy pursuits with huge dangers associated that I, too, pray you will not engage.

P.P.S. This topic (drugs, alcohol and smoking) is one that we will continue to frequent as we already have. Please continue to talk with me, ask questions, share your thoughts as I will continue to do with you both.