Micro Moments of Awesomeness

A goal worth pursuing.

Dear Circle,

I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the unbelievably horrific pain, suffering and trauma innocent civilians are enduring from the unfolding Israel Hamas war. Events of terror that have the potential to last lifetimes, as collective and ancestral trauma already has from unconscionable events of the past.

I am reminded that people are not their government, yet it is these same people who are suffering at the hands of their government’s actions. Beyond voting, I am no more in control of what my government does than the people in Israel or Gaza.

I am however, a mother, a daughter, a wife and a friend and I absolutely, gut wrenchingly ache for what the mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, daughters and sons are experiencing. I ask you to join me in holding space for the collective pain that our world is harboring. If you pray, please pray, if you meditate, please meditate, if you commune with nature, please be in nature and see, feel and envision a future free from terror and evil.

If you would like to help provide food and health care to the civilians who are affected by this crisis, Americares is an apolitical, health focused global organization on the ground now. And if you want support in navigating how to discuss war with the children in your life, please visit Common Sense Media.

With love, WRW

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Dear Friends,

A family therapist recently shared a handful of excerpts said in session by young patients, only including their age to maintain their anonymity. The practitioner wanted to shine a light on a troubling trend. Reading the children’s sentiments, powerfully expressed in their own words, broke a piece of my heart.

And their vulnerable, honest confessions got me thinking.

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Many years ago, I had a bit of an epiphany. I woke up to the fact that having kids is not convenient. </insert palm to forehead here> It’s beyond obvious, but nonetheless, the identification and articulation of the obvious was highly powerful for me. (Think Step One of any 12 Step program: admit/acknowledge.)

So the day I realized, clear as day, that children are not convenient was liberating. In that one realization my expectations were completely realigned and right-sized with my reality, which is that my absolutely developmentally appropriate children, are not convenient. No longer would I be wrestling with reality trying to impose a false expectation. Instead I could settle into the acceptance of what is.

A child’s default setting is to want to emotionally connect with their primary caregivers. The reiterative call in rapid succession of “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom”, the “Can we … ?” request on replay, and even the challenging behaviors such as whining, yelling and tantruming, are all purpose driven requests, in the research world known as “bids”, to connect with us.

Not only do our children desire connection with us, they also need it to thrive. Our attentiveness reflects our love, devotion, and care for them. When we engage and connect, we instill in them the knowing that they are worthy to take time and space in our family and in the world. We are our children’s first and most impactful reflection back to them of their innate value; of their importance. We are creating the bedrock of their internal self worth, self esteem and self confidence.

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So what is the greatest obstacle to us attuning and responding to bids from our children? That is to say, what is primarily getting in the way and distracting us from attentively responding to our children’s request to emotionally connect?

The answer is simple.

Technology.

Technology is our greatest obstacle to being present.

More specifically, our relationship with our smartphone is getting in the way of our relationship with our children (and partner, friend, colleague, et al).

A few data points to consider…

In the early 2010’s, many years prior to our cell phone use skyrocketing, researchers in Boston observed caregivers eating with one or more children in fast-food restaurants. 73% of the adults were absorbed with their phones to varying degrees, some almost entirely ignoring the children. Unsurprisingly, many of the children began to make bids for attention, which were frequently ignored.

According to a study by Deloitte in 2015, Americans collectively checked their cell phones 8 billion (B for billion!) times per day. That is 46 times every day.

In 2019 research conducted by global tech care company Asurion, showed that Americans checked their cell phones 96 times per day. More than double from 2015.

But wait, let’s look at where we stand with the most recent data. Asurion conducted a follow-up study in 2022 and found that the number increased nearly four-fold with the average American checking their cell phone 352 times a day, about once every three minutes!

And what have we cut out of our lives so as to make time and space for this new focus of our attention? Real connection, with real people, in real time. Phone snubbing, the act of ignoring someone in a social context by paying attention to our smartphone, or “phubbing” as it has been coined, has become socially acceptable and the new normal. Not without consequences, though. For example, the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships published a study of 3,289 adolescents which found the more children felt that one or both of their parents were phubbing them, the less the children felt connected with their parents.

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World renowned relationship researcher and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman, has conducted 40 years of research with thousands of people. From his research he has learned that the emotional connection between two people depends greatly on how “bids” are answered from each other.

Specifically, when our children (or partner) verbally or nonverbally, make a bid from us, they are seeking attention, affection, or acceptance, and the critical component of this exchange is how we meet this request. Dr. Gottman has found that there are three types of answers to a bid: turning towards, turning away and turning against.

“Turning towards” is about the everyday efforts we make to reach out to our children and accept their bids for emotional connection. It looks like responding with our full attention when our children ask us a question or point something out, showing interest and excitement in their accomplishments, and listening and responding to their requests to play, learn or chat.

When we “turn towards” our children’s bids, they hear:
“I’m interested in you.”
“I hear you.”
“I understand you (or would like to).”
“I am on your side.”
“I’d like to help you (whether I can or not).”
“I’d like to be with you (whether I can or not).”
“I accept you (even if I don’t accept all your behavior).” ~ The Gottman Institute

“Turning away” is responding to our children’s bid with ambivalence or without interest. It is essentially ignoring the bid and leads to disengagement. When we “turn against” a bid, our response has a bite to it often leaving our children to feel that we were mean and hurtful. The build up of ignored (turned away) or hostile (turned against) bids can cause long term erosion of the relationship.

Science is unequivocal. Great relationships are formed one tiny micro moment awesome bid response at a time.

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TIME is how children spell LOVE as I shared here. Our fully present, turning towards them, time. It is our quality of connection that matters. Our children’s bids, big or small, verbal or nonverbal, are how they ask to get the emotional connection they need to fully thrive.

They want to know that we see them. No matter their age or stage.

And yes, it is not always convenient. It is hard at times. But we can do hard things. One small commitment at a time. And no, we will not do it perfectly. We will not be the first perfect humans. Yet, the more we commit, and practice, and repair when we need to, and then recommit, the more we spiral up.

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I asked my own children how they feel when they try to engage with me but I’ve parentally phubbed them.

This is what they had to say.

“I feel frustrated, unheard, like you don’t care, and annoyed when you are absorbed in your phone.” ~ My 12 year old son.

“I feel disappointed, sad, and bored when you are using your phone instead of being with me.” ~ My 8 year old daughter.

These are not the sentiments I want to instill in my children nor the type of relationship I want to co-create with them.

My phone use in their presence and at their expense has a toll and I must be honest with myself, as they were with me. If my values are to cherish, tend and build a truly close relationship with my children while also helping to instill a strong sense of worth, value and esteem within them, then I need to better align my actions with my priorities.

I will not be perfect. However, since reflecting on the effects of my phone use in the presence of my children, I have already taken positive baby steps. I now work to be off my phone and to have it out of sight when I am interacting with my loved ones. Not in my hand, not on the table next to us, etc. If I am using my phone and one of my children enters the room, if honestly possible, I have committed to getting off my phone, slipping it out of sight and then extending a bid or responding to their bid if they volleyed one to me. Again, progress, not perfection.

I sign off with this perspective from Jim Mattis from the book Call Sign Chaos. Even though Call Sign Chaos is about the four star General’s career, I found the following quote to be completely analogous. “A call from the field is not an interruption of the daily routine. It’s the reason for the daily routine.”

Or as I read it, “A bid from my children is not an interruption of my daily routine. My authentic, emotional connection with my children is the reason for my daily routine.”

Until next time, xoxo,

WRW

P.S. The research of John Gottman on bids that I shared in this piece absolutely applies to our relationships with our romantic partners. Micro moments of awesomeness for the win with all whom we are in a relationship that we want to flourish.