On Children

Meditations on what it means to be a channel.

Dear Circle,

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

---

My oldest is 12 and what that means for us at the moment, is that preadolescence is in full swing. It sounds as if I am stating that cavaleirly. But actually, for a couple of reasons, I have fits and starts of anxiety simmering beneath the surface of my demeanor.

One, he is my first child. Therefore, in my role as mother, this is my first trip through the looking glass of the tween and teenage years. Thankfully it’s not my first time as a person.

Second, entering this period of great development and transition, brings me back to those very traumatic and dysfunctional adolescent years of my own childhood. This reason, is the one that has me sitting up and taking notice.

For the past month or so, my son’s and my day to day relationship has been trying. We have been sharing a co-dependant regression, which I can assure you is a real thing.

Without realizing it at first, my implicit memories of my own painful experiences were triggering me. I was acting reactively, my survival instincts of my childhood taking control. Instead of staying regulated and de-escalating in the face of my son’s natural pushback of our family rules and of me, and not taking my son’s behavior personally, I grew rigid, worried and ready to fight. The result was that I was creating the exact opposite dynamic I want with my son. Alienation and resentment and lack of worth on both of our sides, is how we each felt.

“Implicit memory, also known as unconscious memory or automatic memory, refers to perceptional and emotional unconscious memories which influence our behavior.” ~ Dew and Cabeza, The Porous Boundaries Between Explicit and Implicit Memory: Behavioral and Neural Evidence, 2011.

That is to say, we all have implicit memory which we acquire and use unconsciously that affects our current thoughts and behaviors without us realizing it.

The impact of my implicit memory from my tween and teen years was playing out via my current behavior without my conscious realization. I regressed in my thinking and in my actions to when I, myself, was a tween.

Ugh!

So I reflected and recalibrated and I repaired with my son.

I am reminded to again “do the work”; to actively practice being aware of my implicit memories and to NOT have them run the show. I am consciously paying attention to my triggers, noticing the ingrained neural pathways from my past that do not serve my son or me, so that I can choose to walk a different path, a new path, than the one I travelled when I was going through adolescence.

This has made all the difference. I look at my son as his own person entering a sacred period of maturity, of transitioning from a boy to a young man. I remind myself that my experience is not his experience. I remind myself that I am not my mother and he is not my mother’s child. We share our own relationship, our own bond, and we are writing this chapter together.

I remember to be brave. I remember that I am brave.

I am committed to showing up with integrity and keeping my side of the street clean. I am dedicated to supporting my son through this phase of self discovery and continuing to teach him that through all seasons of life, we can move with grace, kindness and compassion towards ourselves and those around us.

Understanding each of our roles during this time of natural separation — two people who love each other only as a mother and son can…

“I am not the enemy. I am your mother. And you are not my possession. You are your own person.”

---

In many respects, the formative years of early childhood, reflecting all that I have planted within his heart, mind and soul, are behind us. In no way am I finished parenting him. My work is not done, nor will it every fully be. However, now he moves forth with greater independence, encountering situations and circumstances where he will be faced to decide for himself what he will draw upon from the seeds we have tended, what he thinks, and what he chooses to do.

He came through me but is not from me.

I may give him my love, but not my thoughts, for he has his own thoughts.

I may provide a safe and nurturing home, but I am not the keeper of his soul.

It is from my unconditional love that he will strike out in pursuit of his dreams.

---

Tonight we gathered as a family around my computer in anticipation of the middle school decisions being released to all applicants at exactly 5 pm.

“Congratulations my son! Congratulations! Your exquisite journey continues. I am so happy for you and beyond proud of you. I love you, always and forever. ~ Maman”

Until next time, much gratitude to have you all here,

Whitney

P.S. Thank you Benjamin Manley for the sweet cover photography.