On Marriage

Muses

Dear Circle,

Last night I was doing the math and surprised myself with the fact that this upcoming April 2023, my husband and I will be celebrating 17 years of marriage. In reflecting on our journey as husband and wife, I feel proud, humbled and full of gratitude mixed with a little bit of holy cow.

Marriage, and I imagine this to be true of any exclusive long term relationship, is not for the faint of heart. It is a proposition based on traveling through life, with one person, for an unknown yet presumably long length of time, meeting all the ways in which life unfolds. That is to say, it is an endeavor not to be entered into lightly. I liken it, only half jokingly, to the adventure show The Amazing Race, complete with obstacles, arguments, negotiations, compromises, highs and lows, victories and defeats, joys and heartaches, companionship and loneliness, never knowing what is around the corner or how, individually as well as jointly, we will face and approach what comes.

On one hand getting married can seem crazy when contemplating the myriad of countless possibilities that could unfold. People change, or in some cases don’t, when they in fact need to. People grow apart, viewing themselves, their partner and the world differently, discovering over time that they want and value distinct things. Unexpected circumstances happen that can exacerbate existing unresolved issues thereby driving a wedge deeper between couples. The possibilities in which people can diverge are many.

The flip side of that perspective is the belief that we can not only beat the odds of whatever life throws our way, including growing apart, but that our love for and commitment to each other is the secret sauce to us growing up, growing together, and overcoming adversity, resulting in building a happy life for the duration.

To be quite frank however, before walking down the aisle, I am not so sure we contemplate the depth of what is marriage much at all. That is to say, I am not so certain we give much thought to what it means and what it takes to successfully and happily co-found a life together with all of its complexities, challenges, unexpected curve balls and the like.

I personally did not fully comprehend the proposition. I thought I understood, but in hindsight, I could not.

Rather, I think many of us think we know. However, most of our notions are based upon a mixture of biases, unconscious and conscious, we have formed in our life. These include ideas from our culture, our own ideals we have shaped, and the relationship of our parents or caregivers that we witnessed while growing up, plus a romantic presumption of the “big day” and “living happily ever after”.

But how many of us are counseled, for example, about the intricacies of marriage? How much do we really consider what follows the morning after the “big day”, and the morning after that, and the morning after that, in perpetuity?

I think often we become laser focused on getting to “I Do”, often overlooking making plans for handling the more mundane, yet critically important aspects of everyday life. Beyond discussing big milestones such as starting a family or achieving career and bucket list goals, do we take the time to have, what can sometimes be difficult conversations on matters around rearing children (if we go that route), or caring for our aging parents? How often do we discuss our ideas around future roles, responsibilities, and desires inside and outside of the house; how much time are we to spend with each other’s extended family and how much time do we want to spend regularly with our friends independent of each other? Say nothing about clarifying what are our financial expectations of each other or what are our retirement goals and plans to achieve them? Do we believe in marital therapy if the time comes and we find that we next extra help as a couple?

You may be thinking I am deep in the weeds off in the wilderness.

Yes, we can not plan for everything. It is impossible, nor necessary. However, prior to getting married, the serious dating phase is exactly the time to have conversations around big, and often times inevitable situations with which we will face. It is wise. It is prudent. It is advisable.

For once the adrenaline subsides and the emotional hangover wears off following the wedding, and the literal plus figurative honeymoon has commenced, the rubber hits the road.

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In looking back at the arc of my husband’s and my marriage, there are a few insights that stand out to me that have helped us to get where we are today. But first, where are we today? Actually, we are really good. I feel truly loved, supported, seen, and understood by my husband. I fully enjoy spending time with him and I am just as excited today for our future as I was the day I married him. I also love, respect and admire him. He is a good, good man who lives with integrity, kindness and generosity. All that to say, we are truly humming together as partners in life. And I share that humbly and with deep gratitude, because there have been times when I could not answer the same way. We have definitely weathered our own ups and downs. As a matter of fact, there were a couple of years where both of us were wondering if we were going to make it. To give you a sense, that period of time felt as though either of us could have had a potential divorce attorney on speed dial. Instead it was our therapist. And thankfully my husband and I were both committed enough to each other and to our marriage to do “the work” of reacquainting ourselves to what brought us together in the first place.

Words of Wisdom No. 1: Find Your Own Happiness

I truly believe we pick people, relationships, and situations in our life that foster our growth. Therefore, it comes as no surprise when I suggest that marriage is one of the great frameworks we create for our personal growth as an individual and as a couple.

I can’t imagine being happily married over the years if my husband and I did not work on ourselves over the years. One of the ways we do this is by growing our own happiness by developing individual pursuits that inspire and bring us a sense of meaning and purpose. These external interests also create focus outside of our marriage and one another which makes us better partners. For, when we are happy independently then we are able to feel happier within the relationship too. It also helps us to avoid tunnel vision, looking excessively towards our partner and our relationship for all or most of our happiness, which is a heavy burden for anyone to carry.

Words of Wisdom No. 2: Not All Valleys Are Death Valley

Everyone has heard the quip that all marriages have ups and downs. However, has anyone ever told you that sometimes those “downs” can last for years?

I remember when I was first given that bit of insight I was taken aback. “Years?!” I thought. “Wow! That’s brutal.” But since it was not relevant to my station in life due to being single at the time, I filed it away in my proverbial back pocket and promptly forgot about it.

Thankfully though, when my husband and I found ourselves in one of those valleys that was stretching on, I remembered that piece of information and it provided me a lifeline. Quite honestly, I feel like I had been given a valuable secret. Being told that “down” periods can last “years”, also meant that a few years of hardship did not necessarily mean the writing was on the wall and our marriage was over. Rather, we could just be in one of those longer stretches which is possible to overcome. It gave me hope and it helped me to hang on which I am so very glad I did.

Words of Wisdom No. 3: A Great Therapist Is Worth Every Penny

Some times and some seasons, such as when our children are young or we find our relationship in one of those valleys, we need extra help in navigating through the muck to get to the other side. I have been incredibly lucky to have two life changing therapists in my life. My first therapist, Laurel, helped me to re-raise myself. My second therapist, Daniel, who also was my husband’s and my marriage counselor, helped us to level up as people and as a couple, mending resentments, understanding one another better, and finding common ground. It is when times are tough that our resolve is tested and none of us are exonerated from doing the work, whatever that looks like for each of us. I am certain, the work that my husband and I did together, with Daniel’s brilliant stewardship, helped us to make it through that valley instead of “die” there.

I remember Daniel’s witty response to my husband who mused that the two hour sessions I kept booking for all of us to meet seemed excessive because it was so expen$ive. Daniel said, “Therapy is expensive, but it is a lot cheaper than getting a divorce.”

It was tongue-in-cheek but the wisecrack spoke volumes to me beyond just money. Another way to look at it is therapy is hard, but that’s not a good reason to avoid it as the alternative - divorce or not growing - is not going to be any easier. For, “wherever you go, there you are.”

Again he was being cheeky. Sometimes the best option is to get divorced. Only we know what is truly best in our particular situation. Perhaps though, in todays day and age, we throw in the towel too quickly. Something to pause and consider.

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Finding a partner to walk through life with is a treasure to be truly valued. That partner can take all forms and is not necessarily a married spouse. I speak of marriage because that is my experience, what I know and what I feel I have insight worth sharing. Whomever we travel with, such as a dear friend, family member, dog, or spouse, starts with a relationship. I wish you deep happiness and a contentment that comes from feeling safe, loved and seen for who you genuinely are. I also wish you the strength and fortitude to not only weather the storms that will come but to be changed by them for the better.

Love,

Whitney

P.S. The artwork throughout this essay are smaller components of a larger project my mother and I collaborated on as a very special 40th birthday gift for my husband from me — “40 Reasons Why I Love You”.

P.P.S. I hope to see you in the comments with any nuggets you have to share.

P.P.P.S. I am honored you are here. Thank you. And I would be so grateful if you would share my work with a friend and subscribe to join our circle if you have not already.