My Little Black Book

The top 10 parenting books that most shaped me.

Dear Circle,

A natural pearl is a rare organic gemstone formed by a mollusk shell, usually inside an oyster or a clam. Its origin story is fascinating because the glistening pearl that we are familiar with actually originated from an irritant, such as a grain of sand, that has made its way into the mollusk. As a defense mechanism to isolate the irritant, the mollusk begins to coat the irritant with a silky composite made mostly of aragonite called nacre. The mollusk coats the irritant with nacre thousands of times over years which eventually creates a strong, glistening, iridescent gem. A precious pearl.

Learning and understanding the growth and development of a pearl allows us to truly appreciate how unusual and precious this gem really is. And it is this years long transformation from an unwanted, undesirable intrusion of sand, into a precious metamorphosis of a rare pearl, that reminds me that our own purpose is often derived from a defining trauma or pivotal hardship that we were able to alchemize into a beautiful gift.

Like the irritant that serves as the origin of the extraordinary pearl, so too I believe, does the defining hardship within our life often beget the purpose we are here to bring to this world.

If we have committed to moving through, overcoming, learning, growing and healing from that difficulty, we then will be changed for the better, just as the nacre transformed the irritant into a glorious pearl. We will have transmuted the hardship into profound understanding and compassion unable to be ascertained as comprehensively any other way.

---

We all have an important and unique light that if shared with others, truly makes the world a better place. This light is our gift, our purpose, that is specific to us because it stems from our personal life experiences, circumstances and interactions which have created our point of view on life. Nonreplicable. No two people’s offering being the same.

One of my gifts, I believe, is Mothering, helping to bring forth ourselves and our children. My intense years of apprenticeship re-raising myself, coupled with my commitment to intentionally and thoughtfully raise my own children, drove me to dive deep into the parenting literature. I researched, read, studied, practiced, sought help and expertise, and still do to this day, with passion and fervor.

While our community here ranges in age, many with children and many without, I feel as though I would be remiss if I did not share some of the wisdom that has had the greatest impact in shaping much of who I am as a person and a parent, thereby much of the lens through which I look and share here at A Life Considered.

To that end, below are the top 10 plus 1 (in our house we always say “champions do more,” hence the 10 + 1 = 11) parenting books that have personally had the most significant influence on my parenting philosophy and how I raise my children.

Patty Wipfler’s brilliance around the transformative power of listening and Special Time; Kindlon and Thompson’s insight on what boys truly need to thrive; Dan Siegel’s expertise on healing our childhood in order to not pass down our own trauma; Payne on children’s inherent need to slow down and do less; Alfie Kohn’s spotlight on the power and necessity of connecting with our children; Gray’s career findings that above much else children need child-lead, independent and unstructured play; Siegel and Bryson’s strategies on working with the young developing mind and on disciplining with compassion; Gottman’s unparalleled research on the intersection of emotional intelligence and thriving interpersonal connection; Mate and Neufeld’s understanding that our children’s orientation needs to be with their parents, not their peers; and Nicholson and Parker’s research on the parent-child attachment … have fundamentally shaped the parent that I am.

I am also including the next tier of books that shaped me greatly. While not all can make the top 10 + 1 list, the books below have had a lasting and important role in my arsenal of tools, wisdom and pedagogy.

One thing I have found in reading so much literature on raising children is that it often finds its way to also addressing the parts of ourselves that could use a little healing from certain ages or stages where we still house unresolved trauma, stunted maturation, and unhelpful lingering affects from our childhood. I have learned and grown so much as a parent but also as a person as it pertains to living from a healthier space.

I would love to know what books have influenced or touched you along the way of bringing forth yourself or the children in your life. Not just parenting books. Any book that has had an influence in shaping you! Please share your recommendations below in the comments and why they resonate with you!

With love, xoxo, WRW