Skip The Small Talk

Dive into authenticity.

Happy Sunday Friends. I am thinking of you all and am grateful for our group. A quick look at A Life Considered outside of your inbox and on the web. I hope you will pop over to explore. The entire archive can be found there as well as personal recommendations to other great substacks I think you will enjoy. xoxo - WRW

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Dearest Circle,

We all deserve to be seen. To be genuinely known and compassionately understood by another. To be recognized for what makes us tick in light of, and despite of, our story. To be distinguished for more than the boxes we appear to occupy from a perfunctory categorization.

We also need to be seen. It is a necessity for our robust wellbeing and mental health. In a therapeutic professional relationship it is foundational. The whole point. It is also a load-bearing pillar of an intimate relationship between parent and child, romantic partners, and dear friends. It is where and how trust warmly and safely envelopes us, creating connection that bonds us keenly. Where in that refuge we can lay down our sword, disrobe, and expose our full selves, including our flaws, yet know, feel, and be reflected back to, that we are enough and worthy. Where our common humanity is embraced, honesty and tears are always welcomed, and apologies and shame are left at the door.

What I know for sure, is that we are seen, when we are known for our authentic self.

Many of us have been socialised to keep parts of ourselves — the perceived undesirable bits — hidden. We’ve been conditioned, especially women, to be quiet, fit in, and not disturb the status quo. Others of us, for any number of reasons including our childhood domestication, wear masks to conceal our self doubt and lack of confidence. The bottom line being, our fear of being judged negatively by ourselves or others, often hinders us from sharing our authentic self.

But this is the thing. A globally known secret, yet one that is often forgotten, is the concept of common humanity.

Dr. Kirstin Neff, recognized as one of the world’s most influential research psychologists in self-compassion, tells us:

“When we’re in touch with our common humanity, we remember that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are universal.”

That is to say, common humanity refers to seeing our struggles and failures as core components of what makes us human, rather than as personal failings that separate and isolate us from other people who we imagine are doing better than we are. Struggling in life doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us. It means we are human. Internalizing this simple tenet makes it easier to shed our mask and be fallibly human and genuinely true to who we are. For no one is perfect.

It took me years to understand the freedom, power, and peace that comes from being myself. To be able to accept that for better I am passionate and for worse I am overwhelmingly intense for others; for better I have high standards and for worse I can be hard to please; for better I care deeply about the health and wellbeing of my children and for worse I am overly rigid with their routines. I have come to believe that living a life marked by grit and resilience to its ups and downs is not only admirable but substantially more interesting than the persona of “perfection.” I appreciate that I am a work in progress committed to being curious, learning and leveling up. I also equally recognize the exceptional qualities of myself, too.

When we allow ourselves to be authentically seen and known, we open ourselves up to establishing deep connections. Others sense when we are being true. Our personhood reads of realness. We exhibit not only comfort in our own skin and courage to show up naturally and unrehearsed, but also relatability that we all are more alike than not. Perhaps even more importantly, though, we create a space of safety and trust for others to likewise be themselves. Bonds are formed. Relationships unfold. Healing happens.

On the other hand, the opposite of being seen can leave us feeling misunderstood, unworthy, not enough, or neglected. Therefore, if you cannot be yourself, seen and celebrated, around a certain person or group of people, perhaps consider curbing the time you spend with them. Life is too short and too valuable to waste. Find your people instead.

And when you find your people, truth be told, they only want to engage with the real you. But you can’t find your people without being the real you. So skip the small talk.

With love and authenticity, for better and for worse, xoxo, WRW

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