The Comparison Trap

Envy is the ulcer of the soul.

Dear M,

When I was your age, my love, I was knee deep in comparing myself with my peers, followed by desperately trying to fit in. I compared my grades. I compared what I was wearing. I compared how I performed in sports. How popular I was. And when I inevitably concluded I did not measure up, I felt envious and tried harder. I tried harder to outperform - compete and “win” - or to assimilate and fit in. I was chasing “cool”. I was grasping for validation.

Comparing, envying, pretzeling, repeat.

Without realizing it…I was looking for myself by looking outside of myself.

The period of development you are entering is a time of immense growth and discovery of yourself. It is also a time where your attachment and point of reference towards your friends intensifies. This is a normal part of the tween / teenage years. In light of this shift, I want to share with you the lessons I have learned from my experience playing the “comparison game”. Spoiler alert: it is a trap.

Comparing Undermines Your Sense of Worth

When playing the comparison game, we lose from the start. Alan Stein in his book Raising Your Game, explains that comparing ourselves is a failing proposition that leads to questioning our self-worth.

“The comparison game is rigged.

It has no function besides enlarging self-doubt.

I can quickly find someone better looking, funnier, more successful, taller, more muscular, smarter. It won’t take long to find someone who scores higher than me on almost any metric.

If I use these people as my measuring stick — to determine my self-worth and value — I will always lose.” ~ Alan Stein

Not only is the deck stacked against us, but engaging in the comparison game also confuses a fundamental truth about our worthiness as a person. Which is to say…our self-worth is never on the table. It is not up for discussion nor is it negotiable.

What makes us worthy is something that’s been inside of us since we were born, not something outside in the world that we need to acquire. Our worth lives within us. Always has and always will. We never need to look outside of ourself to find it. That is a futile exercise.

Comparing, if it Leads to Conforming, Undermines Fulfilling Your Purpose in Life

I have also come to realize that when we play the comparison game we are missing a very critical point of our existence. You see, when we look outside of ourselves, comparing and envying, it is quite common for us to then adjust ourselves to fit in so that we feel accepted or validated or to increase our status.

What we are really doing, though, is putting on a mask - a jacket or robe of sorts. But what is the function of a mask or a jacket? It is to cover. When we mask up, we are not only wearing someone else’s idea or persona, but we are even more detrimentally hiding who we truly are.

Paul Jarvis, author of Company of One puts it this way:

“When we give in to envious feelings, the best we can hope for is second best, since we’re focusing on copying someone else’s path and not forging our own.”

There is only one of each of us. I do not believe this is an accident. Each of us is completely unique and has our own light to shine, our own gift to give, our own perspective to share.

We are doing a disservice to ourselves and to the world when we imitate. We are here to be authentically our unique self. How can we do that if we are serving up what someone else is already doing? When we compare and try to mimic to fit in, we are denying our own self expression.

Rick Rubin, arguably one of the most talented music producers of the last 20 years, refuses to accept social norms. Rather he unapologetically adheres to pursuing the authenticity of both his own ideas and those of the artists with whom he works. He believes that if you refuse to be put in a box, then you have the flexibility necessary to create what you believe to be valuable. Following his intuition, even in light of the noise and pressure from others to change course, is a principle to which he credits a great deal of his success.

“The goal is not to fit in.

If anything, it’s to amplify the differences, what doesn’t fit, the special characteristics unique to how you see the world.

Instead of sounding like others, value your own voice. Develop it. Cherish it.”

Comparing Undermines Your Happiness

The scientific literature also echo’s the peril of comparison. Happiness researcher Sonia Lyubomirsky’s has found:

“You can’t be envious and happy at the same time. People who pay too much attention to social comparisons find themselves chronically vulnerable, threatened, and insecure.”

Our society has a collective value system weighted towards certain “ideals” that shift and evolve over time. However, these “trends of the day”, touted all across social media, are not necessarily healthy nor helpful. In fact, much of what is posted and the method users engage with these platforms, create feelings within us of inadequacy, sadness, isolation and otherness. These ill effects are so pervasive that Senator Hawley introduced a bill this week to ban anyone under 16 from using social media.

“Envy is the ulcer of the soul.” ~ Socrates

I encourage you to resist the pull to compare yourself with your peers or anyone else for that matter - a sports figure, a musician, a celebrity. Fight the false conception that fitting in is the goal or is even desirable.

Listen to your intuition.

Ground yourself in your values.

Dare to discover your own voice, what lights you up, where you want to take this opportunity called life and pursue it unapologetically.

The positive feelings of creating something authentic and meaningful that is a true expression of your unique point of view is an incredibly satisfying endeavor. You feel full of life and purpose. Is that not the point of life?

Weekly Mantra: The world needs my authentic voice.

We are especially susceptible to comparing ourselves with others when we are young and discovering who we are, however it is something we need to be mindful to not fall prey to no matter our age.

For example, writing raises self doubt within me regularly. I think about the authors I admire and contemplate what they offer in COMPARISON to what I offer. Eek! Quicksand! Avoid!

As soon as I realize I am doing this, I literally say to myself “STOP!” and then I remind myself that ALL of us have something valuable to offer to the world. There is a readership for all of us. Why? Because each of us has our solely unique life experience that has resulted in each of us having a one of a kind perspective to share.

“We’re all different and we’re all imperfect, and the imperfections are what makes each of us and our work interesting. We create pieces reflective of who we are, and if insecurity is part of who we are, then our work will have a greater degree of truth in it as a result.” ~ Rick Rubin

The more you can understand the fools errand of comparison the more you are free to skip this detour and jump ahead to discovering yourself, living authentically and flourishing. The only person to compare yourself to is YOURSELF.

Here’s to you being the best version of yourself.

Your biggest fan, always and forever,

Maman

P.S. Thank you to Aedrian for the beautiful cover photo.

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