Yes Me. Yes Now.

Navigating the growing pains of change.

I ask myself, “Who is the one overwhelmed with the expansion and transformation that life is prompting us for? My son, or is it me?”

With what I know about enmeshment, co-regulation, and the contagion of feelings, am I driving the overwhelm felt by both my son and me or is he ground zero and I am picking up his intense feelings as if they were my own? Or are we both just knee deep in the angst associated with our own individual yet simultaneous push forward?

Three months into starting 7th grade which entailed a new school, new campus, new routine, new friends, new level of coursework and expectations, he has hit a wall. The novelty of all the exciting new firsts — a locker, cafeteria, larger campus, a laptop, organised school sports, letter grades — has all ceased being fun.

Humans are the master of adaptation which is why we survive. Our ability to maintain homeostasis, literally internally and figuratively externally, despite the outside forces we face is the key to our species’ longevity. With the recalibration from novel to the new normal, dopamine and adrenaline have stopped pumping the feel good hormones through my son’s body and now he is settling into what has become the daily routine of juggling the demands of a private preparatory school. The overwhelm of these demands have begun to present as stomach aches, nausea, some range of dread, anxiety, and fantasizing of being homeschooled.

Meanwhile, I am walking through the house announcing to anyone who will listen, “I’m having an identity crisis!” Tongue in cheek absolutely and yet also, completely dead pan serious.

Almost one year into starting this writing space, I am still not sure what my lane is as a writer. What is my unique perspective that will be worthwhile and meaningful of my community’s time, your time? What is my exact niche?

And my vulnerability of sharing with you that I don’t have it all figured out, could be considered ill conceived. Yet it’s honest. It’s what I’m contending with as this work is really important to me. And that I care deeply is actually something I am proud of. That and being in the arena once again.

“Change isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to rip up your roots and put you in new soil where your roots can deepen. It’s going to be ok in the long run.” ~ Denzel Washington

So even though I’m “in it” and the uncertainty of not yet knowing exactly who I am in this space is unsettling, this is what I know about change.

1) While I don’t yet know how to get to where I want to go, I know “the how” is none of my business.

I have learned and relearned this principle over and over again through personal experience and from many great business leaders including Graham Weaver, founder of private equity firm Alpine Investors to Julie-Anne Lee, transformational coach and founder of Allow, and Marie Forleo, author and founder of one of Inc.’s 500 fastest growing companies.

My job is simple and straight forward. Write my story. Seriously, and no pun intended, my job is to A) write down what I want in X number of years, B) not worry about how I am going to reach this aspirational place, and C) pick nirvana (i.e. Do not settle because the aspiration seems impossible to achieve.). Once I have done this, then I am to turn my story over to the universe to handle “the how.”

I know this sounds completely woo-woo, but writing one’s story and letting the universe figure out “the how” works, because of the solid mechanics behind the principle. A) We have identified clear goals, B) we now can put blinders on and focus single-mindedly upon where we want to go, thereby C) aligning our daily actions to where we want to go and D) attracting people who also want to go where we want to go.

Maria Forleo shares research that tells us we increase our odds of success by 42% simply by writing down what we want. That is to say, writing the nirvana story we aspire for ourselves, and letting the universe handle “the how,” while we work on the next step directly in front of us that is aligned to that goal, is not woo-woo. It is co-creation.

The “how” is the killer of all great dreams.

2) Being impatient, as I honestly find myself feeling right now, is missing the point. I can’t walk until I master crawling. Then I must master walking before I can rock running. Deliberate, focused practice — the method to achieve the excellence and expertise that comes from honing a craft for hours, weeks, months, years and decades. Yet reaching the goal, in fact, is not the “be all, end all.” Rather the journey along the way, is. The path is where we derive the real meaning and joy. Slow down and enjoy the unfolding, I remind myself.

Most people don’t want to be part of the process, they just want to be part of the outcome. But the process is where you figure out who’s worth being part of the outcome. ~ Scottie Pippin

3) None of us are immune to self doubt and fear, especially if we want to reach high and play big.

So listen up because this is key: Fear is nothing more than manipulation disguised as “I don’t have what it takes,” or “What I have to say is not valuable enough to be shared,” or “Let’s be practical and play it safer.”

Especially though, fear’s manipulation disguises itself as “Not me, not now.” Don’t bite. Stay in faith, outing fear as a manipulator whose goal is to keep us playing small.

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The pressure of time feels crushing and relentless. Time to mother, time to write, time to authentically connect and build community with readers I so want to know, time to shed old skin and grow into a more expansive state. I find the speed at which I desire to push ahead and solely focus on one thing, this thing, to be hindered. My time is not solely my own. It has demands upon it that I can’t, nor want to ignore, most notably mothering my children.

Time, our most precious and elusive resource.

The feminist construct of being able to “have it all” — the career, relationship, family, et al — is one I deeply support. The reality I believe and have found in the literature is that having it all, at once, can leave a lot to be desired for many. Inevitably due to the majority of unpaid care work and family division of labor falling disproportionally on women’s shoulders, having it all, more often than not, can be an unsustainable exercise in burnout, overwhelm and dissatisfaction for ourselves and those we are responsible to and for.

Some of us, myself included, therefore divide our lives and our roles into seasons. After graduating from University, I was in the season of building my career. I started companies, I went to business school and I grew professionally while dedicating my life at that time to the season of business. After getting married and once I became pregnant with my first child, I entered the season of mothering. I have been intensely focused on mothering for the past 14 years, while hibernating much else of who I am. The entrepreneur. The builder. The thinker and teacher (beyond teaching my own littles).

And now I am transitioning into the season of reclaiming myself since my children are a bit older. However, this new season overlaps and will continue to do so indefinitely with the season of mothering. Fits and starts.

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Today I meditate with my son to help him practice the tool of quieting his mind in order to manage his school worries and shift his perspective to “I can do hard things,” “I have what it takes.” We work together to organize this week’s homework and he starts chipping away at it. I steel and squeeze in bits of time to write between these acts of mothering.

While my son and I both are experiencing growing pains, we are exactly where we are meant to be. Writing our story, honoring the process for what it is, a gift, and telling fear to “piss off” as we swing for the fences.

Until next time, xoxo, WRW