The Power Of Celebrating Wins

A friend's reflection on life's milestones.

Dear Circle,

Once in a while, we may receive the gift of someone who knows us well, reflecting back to us how far we have come. A perspective that on our own we may not have truly noticed ourselves. This reminds me of a similar paradigm while raising children.

As parents, we are with our children day in and day out. Consequently, their growth, physically and developmentally, from one week, or even month, to the next, is less perceptible to us as it is to the friend or family member who has not seen them recently. A bit of time passes and everyone is blown away by how much taller the children have shot up, how much their young faces have changed, how much more mature they communicate, and how their interests have expanded or shifted.

However, to us parents, these transitions are less delineated. A blur of small changes that when accumulated create a different and evolved picture just like this flip book below.

(A nod to my children, M & B, who adore Home Alone as one of their all time winter favorites.)

This past week I received one of those gifts. A reflection. An observation from a long time friend. A reminder of just how far my husband and I have come in building our lives and our family together.

Her reflection brought to my attention a perspective that was unique not only due to her front row seat to very intimate parts of my family’s and my life but also due to her comprehensive view that has spanned the past 16 years of marriage, parenting and growing. I forget, lost in the day to day of mothering, trying, creating, building, even sometimes hanging on for dear life, clawing “towards.” Always towards. Lest, I forget to look back and revel, for a moment or two, on just how far I, we, have come forth.

My friend’s and my relationship, just like the growth of children, have shape shifted over the years from a professional relationship, she as our interior designer, to a dear friend, to God Mother of our daughter, to loosely, yet enduringly knit friends as the years passed, each of us focused on raising our children, to working together again and reconnecting our friendship in real time.

This is the reflection she so generously wrote to me:

“Wanted to share some thoughts I’ve been having since the trippy phone call where you guys shared that you had bought a house that had somehow manifested into my dreams…I can’t stop thinking about where you and V actually are today. Compared to when we met almost 17 (!!) years ago. It’s kinda blowing my mind. The lovely Vista Haven that I had the privilege of helping you bring to life. The extraordinary life changes that have occurred since then. In your family and mine. The beautiful boy of light when M was born. The life changing gift for me of being present at B’s birth. The ebb and flow of our friendship. So much evolution. And yet we’ve simply put one foot in front of the other and done our days. But look where you are! Whatever comes with the details of this situation I hope you and V can take a breath and a step back and see how incredible this is. The two of you together did this. I’m thrilled when my friends have wins. It makes my heart happy.”

I feel deeply touched that she penned such a loving and supportive affirmation to me. Unprompted and out of the blue from her sweet, beautiful soul on the meaningful life my husband and I have created, on my children’s presence here on our tiny planet, on hers and my friendship and on the journey of life itself being a step by step labor, little by little, over the years. I feel tremendous gratitude to have her sisterhood and to reflect back upon the history we have built together and have witnessed of one another’s path.

“I’m thrilled when my friends have wins. It makes my heart happy.” This is a profoundly generous and rarified gift to be given. Another’s true exuberance for your wins. I hear and translate this to be synonymous with the sentiment of “I take your happiness as if it was my own,” a vow my husband and I promised each other as part of our exchange of covenants when we got married.

I treasure this oath and have shared the significance of it with my children over the years. I believe you truly care for another when their good fortune is as important and cherished by you, as your own fortune. No jealously or secret back biting. No misery loves company. Rather, if they can do or have it, then “Bravo! Yes, please! Let’s celebrate!”

These are the jewels of friends you want to hold out to find and when you do, you want to cherish and love them up. As I tell my children, “Quality, not quantity.”

“Thank you my dear friend, RB, for this gift of genuine, generous, joy for my family, for me and for us.”

I would say that I am a grateful person. Gratitude is a big part of how I look at things as I move through my day to day. Who I am today interpersonally is immensely different than who I was while making my way through my teens and into my 20s. Additionally, what I have today in the way of relationships, opportunities, health and freedoms is rich after much work on myself and in my professional pursuits. The dichotomy of the past with the present has instilled within me a perspective of not taking much for granted but rather as given, like a gift, for which I have worked hard.

I also practice gratitude as a tool to keep frustrations and disappointments that are a part of life in perspective. I especially model and share this construct with my children when they are feeling like a victim or life is not fair.

Yet my friend’s reflection prompted me to consider that perhaps I have not really internalized just how far I have come. I can be extremely hard on myself and the shadow or distorted side of having a growth mindset, as I do, is that there is always room for more. More growth, more improvement, more evolution, more to do, more to achieve. Taken too far, and the quest to learn, grow, evolve, be and do better can morph to “not enough-ness.” I have not done enough, I am not enough, etc.

I also contemplate that I am not alone in minimizing the mountains summited, falls risen from, and glorious bouquets gathered along the way. Most, if not all of my contemporaries, also have high expectations of themselves, excruciatingly so at times, focused on what’s next, promptly upon reaching the previous target. Perhaps forgetting to take a beat to acknowledge, appreciate and celebrate the win just achieved, perpetuating the never-ending pursuit for the next ring which can lead to burnout and dissatisfaction.

Celebrating our wins is critical not only for our motivation but also for our overall happiness and wellbeing. BJ Fogg, founder and director of the Behavior Design Lab at Stanford, author of Tiny Habits (which I highly recommend) and one of Fortune’s “10 New Gurus You Should Know” believes that THE most powerful contribution he has made to the science of behavior design is emphasizing the importance of celebrating. He says:

“Celebration will one day be ranked alongside mindfulness and gratitude as daily practices that contribute most to our overall happiness and well-being. If you learn just one thing from my entire book, I hope it’s this: Celebrate your tiny successes. This one small shift in your life can have a massive impact even when you feel there is no way up or out of your situation. Celebration can be your lifeline.”

To that end, before hitting it hard on your 2024 list of pursuits, I invite you to take a moment and acknowledge the strides you have made this past 2023, as well as over the years, that have gotten you to this point, right now, today.

Consider making a list that you can refer to on a day when you feel stuck and can benefit from the lifeline Fogg refers to. Celebrate these wins! Not just the milestones but especially the tiny accomplishments. It is the tiny one, multiplied, that enabled you to reach the milestones. You’ve earned the wins, and therefore, deserve to feel the goodness, the “shine,” as Fogg has explained it below.

“You know this feeling already: You feel Shine when you ace an exam. You feel Shine when you give a great presentation and people clap at the end. You feel Shine when you smell something delicious that you cooked for the first time.”

Even though it is my responsibility as a parent to feed my children and it is important to me to do that well, I celebrate making a hot, homemade breakfast for them every morning, especially on the days it is a slog.

Fogg also tells us:

“People change best by feeling good, not by feeling bad.”

I am reminded of this when I am working to teach my children something as mundane as cleaning up after themselves. This lifeskill is not learned in one cue, but rather via practice and reminders over and over. I can make them feel good or I can nag and make them feel like they are failing because they are not proficient at this skill yet. Which method will help them to learn faster and will also bring us closer instead of drive a wedge of frustration between us? Helping them to feel good, of course, by celebrating the tiny wins! “Awesome M for putting your pajamas in the laundry instead of leaving them on the floor!” “B that was so helpful and appreciated for putting your dirty breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. High five!”

Who do you know that you could reflect back to them their growth? Their triumphs!

Let’s start with you! And after putting on your own oxygen mask, as they say, perhaps you want to give the gift of seeing someone else in your life by sharing a reflection to them of their wins.

Sending love and high fives to you for your awesomeness, xoxo, WRW

P.S. If a sweet friend, or your search engine shared this article with you, please join our circle of amazing people below by subscribing for free. We would love to have you be a part of our circle.