Special Time

Time equals love.

May 14, 2023

Happy Mother’s Day to all who are mothers and to all who mother in any and all ways. The children in your lives are blessed to have your presence. The gift of time you give to those you mother is the gift of your love. Time = Love!

Dear Friends,

The first born, unless they are a twin, has the unique circumstance of being an only child, if even for only a stint until a sibling comes along. They enjoy a number of months or years basking in the full attention of their parents. The siblings who follow will never know this unique experience.

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So it goes for my daughter who is my second born. All she has ever known is the four of us: She, baba, big brother, and me.

So when my almost eight year old daughter and I embarked on our very first, very own, holiday together, just the two of us, it was a special slice of heaven where I could drench her in my full, undivided attention, cater to her desires without compromise, and really devote my total presence to her and her alone. It was magnificent.

Very early on in my parenting research and reading well over a decade ago, I learned about an incredibly powerful activity called Special Time. The concept, developed by psychologist Sheila Eyberg in the 1970s, is simple. It is characterized as a specific period of time, ranging from five to 20 minutes, set aside ideally every day, where we give our child our full, undivided, and active attention playing what they choose. Our child picks and leads the play completely, giving them developmentally appropriate agency, while we follow along playing with them, one-on-one, without distraction.

“During special time, your child gets a specialized kind of attention — 100%, undivided, positive parent attention. Giving this kind of attention is just not possible with life’s other demands throughout the day. Getting undivided parent attention during Special Time helps fulfill children’s need for connection and strengthens their attachment and relationship with you.” ~ Dr. Amy Nasamran

As I have shared before, I treasure the fresh perspective and insights I gain while on holiday being uprooting from my daily habitual routine. The time away allows me to take a step back and reflect.

What I gleaned from this glorious time traveling with my daughter was the powerful reminder of how important it is for us parents to carve out Special Time with each of our children. It’s a form of oxygen that keeps our bond strong, healthy, and thriving. A time where we deeply connect with one another. A time where our child feels truly seen, loved, and valued. For our children equate the quality time we spend engaged with them to our love for them. Time = Love.

I practiced Special Time with each of my children when they were younger. It was a salve and a panacea to the behavioral ills that so often surface when we feel disconnected from those we love and need — the disconnect that happens inevitably from the grind of daily life that we all are juggling. The regular ritual of Special Time reconnected us years ago just as it did again this past week with my daughter.

With my son transitioning to adolescence, I see that Special Time is once again a valuable tool for us to stay connected as he embarks on further individuating. While we won’t be building wood block garages for hot wheels, it now looks like walks on the beach or bike rides. Free time where he can safely share his thoughts, questions, and musings and I get to listen and mirror back to him how important and loved he is.

Time = Love

Special Time = Love on Steroids

A visual representation of the Special Time this mother-daughter getaway gave us while we enjoyed museums, parks, restaurants, and the sites…