The Hidden Truth Behind The Smiles

Our summer sleep-away camp story.

Hello, hello, dear friends!

I hope you all are well and have had a fantastic summer. I am so sorry that I have been so MIA. It has been a whirlwind of a summer with my family and me being out of the country for almost all of it, including this last somewhat spontaneous trip to the Riviera Maya.

And with this being my second summer writing on Substack, I have come to realize that cyclically the summer months of July and August, while my children are out of school, are just plane old difficult for me to squirrel away time to write. Hence my unusual stretches of silence.

I have missed you and I so look forward to sharing many great lessons, truths, and finds I’ve uncovered over the summer. And I will do my best to build a little coffer of essays that I can send during the summer months while I am out and about being Mom.

All this to say, thank you so much for your understanding and support.

xoxo - WRW

Now on to my Little Black Book of hot off the press, favorite finds plus tried and true, time tested treasures.

(By the way, none of these treasures in my LBB are sponsors or affiliate links. They are truly just people, places, services, and treasures that I personally love, use, and want to share with you.)

1. I love a gorgeous garden that transports us into a place of peace and grounding and I love, love, love bringing the outside in, especially with really grand and unique specimens. I foresee one of our partners in crime to achieve this in our new home will be Rob Moffitt, founder of Haus Plant. Find his one of a kind creations on instagram @thehausplant. “Sourcing vintage and antique planters from around the world, Rob creates living art for our home or commercial space.”

2. I may be behind the curve as I only learned about Audre Lorde in the last few years when I began deepening my research into feminism and how best to teach and discuss the importance, nuance, and systemic structures of gender in/equality with my children. A self-described “Black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet,” Lorde was a renowned Black feminist, poet, essayist, and activist whose work has had a significant impact on civil rights, feminism, and LGBTQ+ rights. Released this month, Survival Is A Promise: The Eternal Life of Audre Lorde by Alexis Pauline Gumbs, is a deeply reflective and poetic exploration of Lorde’s life framed through the lens of her formative experiences, connection to nature, and that survival is not just about getting through difficult present circumstances but also a commitment to future generations.

3. Ok, so the Collector’s Tray made by my favorite eyewear designer Jaques Marie Mage has been life changing for me, not only as a safe and organized way to carry my eyewear on my travels, but as a quick and easy way to house and grab from the assortment of eyeglasses I am pulling from at the moment while at home. The collector’s tray comes in the large size shown above that holds six frames and it also comes in a smaller size which carries three eyeglasses. I have both and pick which one to use based on how long I am traveling for. It is handcrafted in Italy out of cowhide leather in a gloriously rich burgundy color.

THE HIDDEN TRUTH BEHIND THE SMILES: Our summer sleep-away camp story.

My children went to sleep-away camp this summer for their first time.

Together, 13 year old brother and 9 year old sister embarked on their own expedition to Camp Southwoods in the Adirondacks of New York, the same Adirondacks where my father attended summer camp several decades prior. My children did not know anyone at camp, which required them to trust that I selected a place where the directors, counselors, and staff would show up for them in a safe, caring, and supportive way. It required them to be brave and to have faith in their own capabilities of advocating for their needs as they arose, establishing new relationships, and trying new things, all while standing on their own two feet.

The reason why sleep-away camp is heralded as such an important milestone and valuable right of passage is exactly for what is born from it. It is in these times of stepping beyond their comfort zone that our children have the opportunity to learn so much about themselves including nittier, grittier insights into their strengths and stretches, their values, and their likes and dislikes. In being challenged, they grow, gaining greater self-assurance, derived from proving to themselves that they can do so much more than they would have previously thought possible. Their confidence in themselves solidifies more, having pushed themselves. They feel proud, collecting yummy “energy bars” for them to savor and use as an important point of reference and fuel when faced with future challenges.

My son loved it. His camp counselors were kind, supportive, and funny. And he had a great group of cabin mates with whom he bonded and really dived into the sleep-away camp experience of camaraderie, appropriate hijinks, and long, sun drenched summer days filled with good old-fashion fun in the mountains.

My daughter, on the other hand, did not enjoy it. Despite being incredibly excited to go and despite being independent and mature beyond her current age, the experience was difficult in ways that neither of us anticipated. Riddled with homesickness, “mean girls,” and inadequately qualified camp counselors and staff, her time there is one that we are still unwinding.

Prior to camp, my children and I had discussed the possibility, if even the inevitability, of feeling bouts of homesickness and we had made plans regarding what to do if, or when, that happened. “Write me a letter, connect with your sibling, get involved in an activity, and let one of your counselors, staff members or directors know so that they can help you through it.”

In Homesick and Happy: How Time Away from Parents Can Help a Child Grow, by one of my favorite child development authors Michael Thomson, he discusses how temporary homesickness helps children learn to cope with new challenges while developing independence, resilience, self-confidence, social skills, and emotional strength. If being homesick was my daughter’s only challenge of the trip, I believe her ultimate takeaway would already be one colored closer to the triumph of facing a challenge and overcoming it with feelings of pride and confidence.

However, my daughter found herself navigating the process of joining a new pack or tribe of girls, a process that developmentally our daughters typically find themselves charting in 7th grade, not 3rd. But not having me nor another adult attachment figure upon which she could rely on, instinctually she looked for new peer relationships to fill that role.

Basically, she tried to make new friends.

What she found instead, however, were episodes of exclusion from the majority of the tribe that comprised her cabin mates, hurtful comments directed to her, and feelings of isolation. As renown expert, New York Times best selling author, and clinical psychologist Lisa Damour explains in Untangled, “the fear of being without a pack — distanced from one’s family yet without a peer group — cuts to the quick… .” She goes on to say:

“Adults would like to think that girls who are mean would be shunned by their peers, but unfortunately, the opposite tends to occur. A girl who allows herself to be mean enjoys many “friends” who are eager to stay on her good side, and she is often feared and indulged by her remaining classmates who have no interest in becoming her target.”

Unkindness from most of the girls in her cabin and lack of compassion for my daughter’s feelings of homesickness coupled with her unmet needs of feeling “a part of,” left her feeling alone and vulnerable.

To make things more difficult, this was also my daughter’s first foray into being let down by the adults who were entrusted to care for her. Not only did her camp counselors fail at successfully facilitating positive and inclusive relationships, but they did not know how, and at times were unwilling, to meet very real needs of hers. Small slights, promises not kept, feelings dismissed, letters home not delivered, were all fissures of trust encountered by my daughter from her camp counselors. Out of their depth as it pertains to child development? Poorly trained? Misaligned values? Ill suited for the job responsibilities? Neglectful? All of the above to differing degrees and none of it, I believe, intentional. Nonetheless, though, large and lasting incidents in the psyche of a young child, especially when compounded over two weeks of time.

I look at the pictures above, now knowing what was truly in my daughter’s heart at the time. I see a pack of young girls making their way at sleep-away camp, some swimmingly and others putting on a brave face. I think of the book my son is reading exactly now in preparation for his 8th grade Humanities class. Golding’s 1954 novel, Lord of the Flies, which explores the breakdown of the group of young boys, despite their best efforts to organize amongst themselves. Left much to their own social emotional wherewithal, away from their families, these girls, too, like Golding’s boys, were navigating hierarchy, power, and human nature.

I think of the inauthentic smile on my daughter’s face that she made ready whenever a camera was directed at her by camp staff. I soberly and somberly realize that my daughter has fallen pray to upholding the centuries long burden of playing the “good girl.” The same plight that thousands of generations of women before her have felt they had no choice but to fulfill. Myself included.

“Adult women struggle with how to stand up for themselves without being called “pushy,” “bossy,” or worse. If adults struggle with it, you can bet that girls do, too.” ~ Dr. Damour

I begin researching and strategizing on how to better help her actively, and without apology, choose herself. To not put others before her when it comes at the cost of her own well-being. To not pretend that she is fine, when in fact she is not. To choose being true to herself instead of being convenient for everyone around her. To reject the “good girl” persona and claim the authentic, whole person.

Upon returning home from camp, we have been unpacking what occurred. We continue sorting out how to move through and beyond what feels like a betrayal. What definitely was a traumatic experience for my daughter.

As a mother who sent my children to camp, I harbor the “mom guilt” and responsibility for the pain this experience has put my daughter through. And yet my sweet girl has given me nothing but grace. She does not blame me, even though I blame myself. We come together as one working to heal the trust that has been broken: hers in the goodness of the camp adults she should have been able to rely upon to care for her needs; mine in myself for failing my daughter.

I believe in the resilience of the human spirit and I trust that my daughter will, in fact, come out of this with a sense of conquering a negative experience rather than being controlled by it. I believe that she will get back on the proverbial horse after having a tumble. But it will take some time as we help her connect the dots between the difficult, negative, and even fearful aspects of her experience with the grit, bravery, and self reliance she exhibited while building trust in her own capabilities to face challenges.

We look for the silver linings.

Tonight my sweet girl prayed, “Dear God, please help me forget camp because it makes me feel sad and worried.”

I tell her, “We remember because it is from our challenges, from our life’s difficulties, that we help others, that we change the world. These terribly tough experiences, once processed and alchemized, turn into powerful superpowers of profound insight, compassion, and our own unique ability to affect change for the better.”

And with that she falls asleep in my arms.

Sending love and hope that all of our hurts are transmuted into salve for others in the future.

xoxo,